Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
