she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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