Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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