he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
