and you said cock pushups were impossible
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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