I think i peed on brittanys purse
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
