I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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