Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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