Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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