...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
