FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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