Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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