His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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