drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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