I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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