just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
