My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
