She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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