i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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