Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
