dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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