One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
