i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
