I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
