if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
