I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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