I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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