so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
