I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
