Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
