well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
