She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
