I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
