Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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