Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
