well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
