so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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