Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
