I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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