By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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