his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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