hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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