9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
