It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
