and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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