M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just forgot I was standing up.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
