I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
