I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
