our cab driver is having phone sex.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
