I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
This is my life. Enjoy the view
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
