We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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