Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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