You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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